An Extra Pair of Hands: A story of caring and everyday acts of love

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Kate Mosse talks about how many carers there are in the UK, and how they are mostly forgotten about, or taken advantage of. How families and loved ones take on caring responsibilities without a thought for their own physical or mental health. She talks about how families pull together, and how the departure of elderly loved ones can leave such a massive hole, one that will never be filled. She mentions three Rs – routine, repetition and regularity. But even so, she often felt she was falling short much of the time. As Kate Mosse points out in the opening chapter of the book, An Extra Pair of Hands is not a ‘how to’ book but a tribute to three ‘extraordinary’ people – her father, her mother and her mother-in-law – and her own reflections on becoming a carer, the ‘extra pair of hands’ of the book’s title. Ten years ago, on the fictional island of Inisrun, a young woman was murdered but nobody was ever charged with the crime. A decade later, two documentary film-makers have arrived to interview residents and try to uncover the truth. Exploring themes of class, wealth, desire and coercive control, O’Neill’s psychological thriller is a meticulously researched and emotionally astute exploration into the far-reaching impact of domestic abuse. Kate Mosse takes us on. her journey of caring for her mother, father and mother-in-law. Anyone who has cared for a family member or friend will be able to relate to her honest account of the conflicting emotions and the challenges that she experienced, but what I loved about this book was that it reminds us that caring is a privilege, and one that will enrich your life and your relationships.

Mosse’s parents and mother-in-law all moved to live with her and her husband in their Chichester home when they reached old age. Her father had Parkinson’s and died in 2011, her mother survived him by a few years, and Granny Rosie is still going reasonably strong at the age of 90. This is a compact and relatable account of a daughter’s experiences of caregiving and grief, especially with the recent added complication of a pandemic.Rosalind Smith, in Suffolk, was a full-time carer for her husband, John, for eight years. Kate’s experiences resonated greatly with her. As an epigram to the book, Mosse quotes Adrienne Rich: “Freedom is daily, prose-bound, routine remembering.” Throughout the book she weaves in family history; stories of her childhood in West Sussex, the marriage of her parents and the wonderful character of her mother-in-law who took an entertainment troupe round local care homes to regale residents with music and song. Thus Mosse portrays the riches of reciprocal relations of care between one generation and the next, and is a helpful corrective to the negativity that sometimes burdens the subject. This is a story about the gentle heroism of our carers, about small everyday acts of tenderness, and finding joy in times of crisis. It’s about juggling priorities, mindnumbing repetition, about guilt and powerlessness, about grief, and the solace of nature when we’re exhausted or at a loss. It is also about celebrating older people, about learning to live differently – and think differently about ageing.

Kate argues that too often the needs of carers are overlooked and she produces evidence to show that the responsibility for caring falls overwhelmingly on women, leading her to conclude, ‘Care is a feminist issue.’ She is honest enough to admit that she is in a more fortunate position than most carers, including having an occupation that she can do from home. I think the book was especially good at communicating the many facets of being a carer – the emotional, physical, social and financial aspects as well as the practical day-to-day responsibilities. In An Extra Pair of Hands Kate Mosse explored what it is like to become a carer for those who has once cared for you. Having gone through this myself recently I say it is the moment you become an actual adult. You may have a mortgage, a car, be married and even have kids of your own but when your parents become your responsibility the whole axis of your world goes of kilter. And it is terrifying. Mosse finds it hard to shoehorn her thoughts into the impoverished bureaucratic language used in the “care industry” and complains at being designated a “carer”, with its implication of inequality and the passivity of the dependent. Here, she indignantly insists that her surviving mother-in-law may now be dependent, but is also still very much her strong-willed, vibrant self. Mosse refers to herself deprecatingly as an “extra pair of hands” even if she is now “full-time”. The book’s title speaks to the importance of tact in protecting dignity and respect, and Mosse describes admiringly how her mother cared for her father when he had Parkinson’s. “She never spoke for him, never took over unless he wanted her help, never let the things he could no longer do become more important than the things he could do.” She questions how and why we fetishise independence when the reality of human experience is always interdependence. Here is a book that sees, in this, a cause for celebration. Over the past two decades, the bestselling author has been a carer three times: to her father suffering from Parkinson’s, to her widowed mother and presently to her mother-in-law, the exuberant Granny Rosie. Unafraid to depict the exhausting reality of caring, her timely story is compassionate and humane, judiciously blending the personal with the political; as she eloquently argues, “care is a feminist issue”. The Maidens This book just took my breath away and shows so much love and care towards Kate's family and so much courage one family can have. A carer is a very special person in so many ways and I cared for my father in Law for many years until the end of life....So a big Hug to you Kate and family, this book is an inspiration for us all out there.This is a sensitive and perceptive book for carers,’ says Rosalind. ‘The author knows all about the frustrations, traumas and, thankfully, the joys of caring for loved ones. She found herself becoming the main carer for her father, and then in a supportive role for her mother and, later, for her rather feisty mother-in-law.’

Caroline says, ‘Mosse discusses the concept of the term “carer” and how it compares to “being caring” in the normal run of things.She became very alert to the slightest sound, especially during the dark hours of the night, when “too many things can go wrong” – when a stumble on the way to the bathroom can lead to a serious fall, when night terrors can take hold, when those with dementia find themselves lost in a world where time no longer exists. I can see how this could serve as a great introduction for someone who hasn’t previously read much about bereavement, caregiving or old age, and I imagine it will especially appeal to existing fans of Mosse’s writing. I've read so much around these topics, including most of the works in the bibliography, that the book did not offer me anything new, though it was a perfectly pleasant read.